i can't say wat i wan to say here.. cos it will only cause more misunderstanding.. i'm feeling numb now.. dunno wat to think, dunno wat to feel... cos i'm so bound.. bound by obligations.. cos i love him, i wan him to b happy.. i can't say it out cos no one understands.. yes, i'm agree dat i'm weird.. my mind works in a way dat is diff frm others.. all i can say is dat i'm sorry.. haix.. dun talk abt it le..

feeling so damned stress rite now.. results coming out soon.. dunno wat to say.. dere's too much dat i can't say le.. dun wan anyone to feel guilty.. look at db and sq.. either one of dem will feel guilty after reading my blog entry.. so not gonna say anything le..

gor, if u read dis, wat shld i do? pls dun tell me to talk.. cos i dun believe in talking things out le.. once again, sry sq..

~wat u can't see is usually e truth.. same applies to everyone~

hmm.. let's see.. am i bitchy or wat? b4 chinese new yr, i choose to get into a disagreement wif qiu and i even lectured him.. damn.. acting lyk a bitch.. dunno la.. mayb is i think too much le.. i mean lyk.. i expect too much frm him le.. i can't expect him to really b lyk e guy dat i dreamt up.. not everyone is perfect.. i mean now, he's almost perfect.. mayb a little flaw wld make him seem real ba.. i'm not perfect myself so who m i to expect him to b perfect?

well.. let's juz say dat i'm being selfish.. who m i to lecture him on his finance.. who am i to tell him to get a job.. i might b his gf but.. i made his feel useless.. dat's wat i'm sry for.. he's not useless.. juz dat he lyk to spend.. but i'm so insensitive to e extent dat he felt useless.. i'm really sry for dat.. so.. back to my qns.. am i bitchy? yea, i think so..

by e way.. happy chinese new yr.. and sry sq.. u're not useless.. u're perfect.. i'm bitchy

wat's wrong wif me? dat's e qns dat has been revolving in my head for a long time.. days even.. i feel hollow.. empty even.. but for wat reason? up till now, i still can't get e ans.. i noe i'm troubled by ppl ard me but dat's not e real explanation to my hollowness.. it felt a if i have lost myself.. lyk i dun exist at all.. y dis feeling of emptiness? i'm constantly drifting.. my mind dat is.. but.. dis endless drifting is going nowhere but misery.. lyk today.. deb lied to qiu abt sth.. so i advised qiu to get an explanation frm her and to tell me abt it.. he agreed.. but juz now, he told me dat e reason was too personal.. of course i have to b e perfect gf and say nvm.. but deep down, i feel.. i dunno.. lyk a child having her candy taken away frm her... i noe i'm being selfish here.. but i can't help feeling dis way.. but i noe i'll get over it.. i mean.. it's my fault.. i'm e one who made him promise to tell.. i'm e one who gave myself a chance to torture myself.. i mean, if i nv ask him to tell me e reason, mayb i wldn't feel so disappointed.. but i'll get over it.. i always do.. one way or another.. juz smile and get over it.. but seriously.. i really hate myself but hey.. i'm already not myself.. i dun even noe who i am.. all those laughter.. how many noe wat am i really feeling? dun anyone notice dat i juz zone out? dat i spend most of my time in wonderland? even now, i keep dreaming of scenarios dat wld nv occur.. all i can do is dream.. i nv say wat i dreamt for e simple fact dat i noe it will nv come true.. e disappointment wld b too acute.. lyk wat happened today.. i dunno wat made me let my guard down and i'm wounded.. not dat i blame deb or qiu.. i mean, it's personal rite? i'll get over it.. juz let me reprimand myself for a few hrs and i'll b fine.. really.. all i ask is to not let me noe e reason now.. cos i will hurt more if dey choose to tell me e reason becos dey read wat i wrote here.. i think i wld die.. pls.. dun say it to me..

sometimes i ask myself.. shld i stop daydreaming? shld i end it all? but if i end it all, i noe i will die... i admit.. i can't bring myself to face reality.. i dun wan to.. dere's too many ugly things out dere.. in fact, i'm lyk a full time actress.. e me dat i show to ppl is actually a facade.. i convinced myself dat i'm actually living in a dream and dat my fantasies are, in truth, reality.. it's lyk dere's a mirror in between me and everything else.. i'm living in e mirror cos i can't bring myself to step out of it.. i dun ask for ppl to step into my world.. not even qiu.. cos it's not fair.. all i ask for qiu is to stay e same as b4.. cos wen i'm ard him, i can still believe dat a part of me remains in reality..

it might seem silly but wen i'm ard my frens, i'm constantly living in a dream.. i'll keep imagining dangerous scenes and me being e genius and saving everyone.. lame but.. it makes my life beta.. dis kind of lying to myself.. at least it made me feel secure enough to wan to stay in e grp.. sometimes, i wld mock myself.. i'm so gd at weaving tales dat i've convinced myself dat everyone, namely deb, qiu, bing,van and ben, need me.. wat a huge shock i got wen i finally realised dat dey could actually forget my existance in a mere second.. dat, dey can live without me thus forcing me to see dat i'm dreaming.. many a times, i wish i could break down and cry.. but no tears wld come.. unlyk deb, i dun think death wld b my salvation.. i believe it wld entangle me wif sth worse than now.. i truly believed dat dreaming wld b my salvation.. sometimes, i wld imagine myself a popstar.. or a magical being.. or watever i can think of dat sets me apart frm others.. i keep thinking dat i'm unique but.. dat's only me rite? wat i think is unique, others may think of it as normal, isn't it? so y do i still keep lying to myself? but if i really stop believing, wld i b able to live? at least now, i can still talk and joke ard wif others.. i can laugh and pretend nth is wrong wif me.. isn't dat gd enuf? i dunno..

even as i speak now, i'm still trying to lie to myself dat everything is ok... i mean, my problems aren't dat serious.. as compared to deb who's cutting herself and having suicidal thots.. bing whom i noe is somehow hurting but i dunno his cause of hurt.. everyone ard me has problems so who am i to wallow in my own misery after i tried so hard to convince myself dat dey need me? i'm living in a dream again.. in a dream where i dun wan to wake up.. wat if i wake up and find dat qiu is gone? wat if i wake up and find dat deb, bing, van and ben dun exist at all? wat if i'm so lost in my dream dat i've completely lost myself? dere's so many qns but no ans.. i'm so pathetic.. i really wonder if i really deserve qiu cos he's almost lyk someone i dreamt up of.. e perfect partner.. wat wld become of me if i lose him?

i told deb once dat i'm always hoping.. always hoping for a guy to send me flowers.. cos in many of my dreams, guys wld send me flowers.. i really wan my dream to become reality.. but flowers are ex.. esp e kind i lyk.. yellow roses.. i'm lyk asking for too much.. dat's y i wld sometimes walk into a florist and imagine.. imagine a guy buying me flowers.. a simple but expensive dream.. it will nv come true.. i can't ask dat frm qiu.. mayb if i stop thinking abt it, i might not feel e loss too strongly.. mayb a little sad but wld not shed a tear over a lost dream..

i wan to cry but y can't i seem to cry? i feel so hollow.. i dun wanna slp cos wen i close my eyes, e darkness wld consume me.. i wld den feel e cold.. e chill wld even penetrate my blanket and shoot rite into my heart.. cos wen i slp, dat's wen all of my nitemares start.. i'm afraid of closing my eyes.. afraid of not seeing, only feeling e cold.. lyk dere is abosolutely nth to save me.. only wen i wake up in e morning do i let out a sigh of relief and thank god dat i've survived my ordeal.. oh. i dun believe in god but.. a simple thanks wldn't hurt..

it's aleready very late. i wanna continue dreaming.. i noe.. ppl might say dat i wld dream wen i slp.. but.. i can't control my dreams wen i slp.. most of e times, my dreams will turn into nitemares.. and in my nitemares, dey show me things dat i dun wanna see.. i'm afraid but i can't escape.. by e end of e day, i still muz slp.. oh god.. wat's happening to me?

hihihihihi.. dis is darkw1ng5 wishing u a very belated happy new yr.. i always forget to blog wen i'm happy.. only blog wen unhappy.. oh well.. a quick update on recent events..

1stly, me and him have finally patched up.. yea!! well, after so much, we still came back to each other.. is dat true love? i wonder... well.. now, i'm contend wif wat i have wif him.. he really makes me feel so loved.. always considering me b4 doing anything.. it's lyk, he's respecting me in some sort of way.. yup.. dat's wat i'm trying to say..

2ndly, i finally got a job!! wootx.. e pay is not very high la.. only $4 per hr.. but at least it fills my time and e place is close to my hm.. but dis wk.. i'm running to other destination to work,, it's much further than my previous workplace but i still can cope.. i'm working as sales assistant.. not a tough job.. juz dat wen e goods come, i always have a headache.. so much things to do, so much heavy things to carry.. my boss is ok.. so far, he has been kind to me.. as for my lady boss, she said dat my overall performance was very gd.. juz dat i'm on e slow side.. so she expects me to be quicker.. but den, i can't hlp it if i juz zone out sometimes.. i always zone out.. den i'll start daydreaming.. yea, dat's my job..

lastly, is my dearest princess.. my mei, db.. i noe recent events have caused her to b unhappy.. i always knew but i really dunno how to hlp her.. cos she doesn't approach me lyk b4.. she's trying to keep everything to herself juz lyk wat i did in e past.. we r similar in some ways.. keep our troubles to ourselves is one of dem.. well.. all i wan to tell her is dun shut urself up.. cos u will end up breaking down.. it happened to me so i noe.. i had a major breakdown in 2004.. nearly had one in 2005.. i dun wan u to have a breakdown in 2006.. let's not have dis happening every yr.. i've finally recovered frm my wounds but dey have left a scar.. lyk u, i dun trust easily.. i might have accepted love but i still have some reservations.. not to him but to others ard us.. lyk her and mayb, my godson.. past lessons muz b learnt.. it always work dis way but dat doesn't mean dat we can't start all over again.. db, let us go on dis learning journey together.. let us learn to trust again.. to b innocent once more, untouched by e viles of dis colorless world.. let us add colors of our own to our lives.. things change, ppl change as e environment changes.. we can't stop things frm changing but dat doesn't mean we can't learn to accept.. so wat if she took everything away frm us? we still have each other.. we will always have each other.. u may say dun gif out promises easily but hey.. after all we've been thru together, dis promise is not empty.. after all it's me.. i keep my promises.. i always keep dem.. all i ask frm u is to trust in me.. it's easy isn't it?

lyk i told u b4.. dun despair.. dere's always a pair of hlping hands waiting to pull u into e light.. it's only wen u open ur eyes, den u will see e hlping hands belong to me.. i may b attached but dat doesn't mean i'm not available.. always rmb dat, sweet princess..

darkw1ng5 signing off wif lotsa love to my dear and sweet princess.. *muackz*

hee hee.. hm alone wif my kid bro.. my parents went out.. dere's nth to do.. so crap a bit here.. so messed up dese few days.. very confused.. can't say wat.. juz feel troubled.. it's lyk sth is dying inside of me.. no.. i not pregnant.. juz a kind of description.. ar!!!!!! wat am i writing... damn... now lyk so weird.. haha nvm la... e most go crazy only.. not dat it nv happen b4... seems so weird... now dat my parents not at hm, i started thinking of my past relationships.. really gotta admit.. i let things go very easily.. only wen i lose did i realize how important someone is to me.. but i guess it's too late saying dis now rite? dunno y.. no matter how i try to forget, i can't seem to forget my past relationships.. haha.. dat's one bad thing abt having gd memory.. hmm.. dunno y i suddenly so sad.. muz b those memories.. some gd some bad.. those gd ones r very gd but those bad ones are so.... dunno la...

juz wanted to share.. dere's one song which really expresses how i currently feel.. the song title is CAGED BIRD.. here it is..

How high would I have to fly
To lose sight of you, so far away?
If I turn my eyes away, I might feel better.
But I want to always be looking at you from somewhere.
Because there's no way I could forget you.
At my wits' end, I simply keep staring up at the sky.
It's almost as if I were like a small bird inside a cage,
Searching for the window, aimlessly wandering around.
I want to see you right away, because I love you,
Even though I want to run away because I'm scared of being hurt.
If this unseen barrier around me should tear away my wings,
Still, you are so precious to me that it makes me sad.

short but true.. this sone is in japanese.. i found the translation.. if anyone wans this song, juz tag at my blog.. leave ur email add and i'll send it over